failure
It’s been a difficult week.
I’m finding that lately, no matter how much I try, I cannot find my allusive happiness. When I try to gain some kind of momentum in my life, something strikes me down. I can’t figure out what is going on, and I certainly need some sort of good news.
Has this ever happened to you?
I’m failing in a lot of different areas, and can’t seem to find that one success, that one lovely moment when it appears as if it’s all working out seamlessly. It hasn’t happened in so long, and I wonder – will it again? And, soon?
Please?
I suppose this means that I’m doing something wrong. I’m making some wrong choices, and consequently everything is falling down and apart.
What Would Make Me Happy And Fulfilled:
- Obtaining satisfying work that advances my career, and making a reasonable wage (Is that too much to ask? Apparently so…
- Finishing my book (argh)! and finding an agent (ha)!
- Finding an outlet for myself – (like running, which I cannot do right now, as my ankles have betrayed me) – that will satisfy me on multiple levels
- Seeing the sun come out, maybe just a little bit
My apologies for all the whining. I’m sure things will get better, at some point. Right? Right?
It’s just been a difficult week.
hey, ophelia, don’t let it get you down…am i correct in guessing you are in your mid-thirties? sounds about how i felt about things then. of course, at the time a lot was on the line including my first marriage.
sometimes life seems to be putting you up against everything, but usually that means a good breakthrough is on the horizon. there is an african goddess, Oya, and when it seems everything is falling apart around you, or you can’t seem to get a leg up in everything, she’s usually providing an opportunity for change. and if you ask her, she will bring it in spades! she is the goddess of storms, hurricanes, destructive powers like pele of hawaii. she clears paths, opens up blocks…
so you can choose to see where you may be having success, or how you may change where your view is from…or you can power through this difficult time to find what truly lies before you on your path.
i finally wrote the last scene of my book today. it’s been a long, whiney time coming. approximately 5-6 years. and it’s not a very big book!
and the sun always comes back out eventually. sometimes you just have to wait for the break in the clouds.
i hope i don’t seem super cheery buck-up-ish. that’s not my intent. but i want you to know this too shall pass.
“Has this ever happened to you?”
Do you have 3 days??? LOL!!! This is going to take awhile!! Lol!!!!!!
You are not alone Yes, this has happened to me and a lot lately. I read a quote the other day by, I think, Gandhi: something to the effect that people who are destined for greatness, for wisdom and to be leaders and teachers of Life usually suffer the most. And that people who don’t suffer are destined for lives of mediocrity. I thought, “Okay, I like that. That will work!! “ LOL!!
))
Whether it is true or not I liked how it made me feel, AND I think the true part is that people who do walk a hard path but keep an open heart and mind and always keep walking are often the MOST wise, compassionate and loving. AND you are ALL those things in spades, and spades and spades. I feel soooooooooo connected to you that I would trust my life with you. I could share my life story with you if we sat in the woods and talked and talked. My dear beautiful plush, sink-my-roots-into friend you are beautiful and great. Great in the sense of true greatness of spirit and soul. Greatness of heart and courage. Greatness of mind and body. You walk a very different path than most. VERY different, and it will be more challenging as you are more aware and so deep; you will never skim the surface or “settle”. You are also trying to raise two kids, run a home, write, blog, do laundry, cook, clean, be creative, garden, AND then to work on top of that. Wow!! You are amazing.
Also, I did not know you were looking for an agent. My agent stopped taking people for awhile due to eldercare of both her fading parents but I will ask if she is taking new people again. If she is I will let you know. Do you have book proposal? All agents worth their salt will need it to send to any publishers worth their salt. Go online and get a used copy of Michael Larsen’s book “How to Write a Book Proposal.” You will excell at if after the petition you put together for Robb. I know you will. I’m pretty sure that’s the right title. If you can’t find it let me know. He is like the best in the industry (everyone used his book) and an agent himself. How far into your book are you? You don’t need it finished to submit a prop. Have you ever done any public speaking? If you can video any of it it does help open the door to bigger pubs. They like to see that the author can speak. But the main thing right now is the proposal first. Pubs want to know how you will promote your work, market it (with them and on your own). I don’t want to overwhelm you but start by getting a used copy of that book.
Also KNOW that you are NOT alone. I find this post so refreshing because it is so honest. I love honest people who can express their real feelings, no matter what those feelings are. And NO, it is not whining. It’s real and beautiful and raw and YOU. It’s thevery reason I love you SO much. You make me feel more ME. Do you know that you and Robb do that for me in ways that I can’t even put into words.
Know that I am thinking of you and am with you. Really with you. I love you my dear sister friend, SO much. Robin xoxoxoxo.
PS also there are other ways to get an agent which I can share with you.
Yes, that happens to me. And all I can say is that it happens sometimes, and you just have to get through it.
I call it “Riding the Waves.” The wave goes up, the wave goes down. When you’re at the top you feel like you are racing along, and everything is working together to keep you going. When you are at the bottom, you can see no way out of it and always, looming over you is the threat that wave will come crashing down on your head and you will be overwhelmed by the weight of the whole ocean.
But with the way the world works, the next wave always comes. You don’t stay in the depths forever, nor do you stay on the crest. Up and down. Don’t fight, ride the motion, go with it. Let it carry you. Even in the trough, you are still moving.
It seems to be going around….unhappy emotions that is. Just today I blogged about feelings of loneliness and being left out. I swear to the Goddess that there are times that I’m convinced that nobody, nobody likes me.
Ah, the pitfalls of life. The human experience. It’s what we came for , I think, to experience emotions. Hard to get the full gambit when your stuck in spirit and there’s nothing but unconditional love all around ya. It must be tough.
So, when I am down I try to practice raising my vibration by thinking a few good thoughts to out-balance the ill ones.
I have so enjoyed re-connecting with you. I find you deep and wonderously beautiful. Full of motherhood and rooted in rich soil.
I feel your frustration.
So…if you make a list of the unhappy feelings you are having maybe we can make a game of how to start turning them into something positive. We can help you turn your head toward the sky and bask in some light.
Whatda you think?
Ophelia,
I left a huge long post and it never showed up!
To summarize what I took a long time to say, is that I was at a very very low low last December. I think I had so much sadness that had built up over the past five years that I finally just had to let it out. I had to cry and cry and cry. I’d just lay on the floor and cry. I remember hearing myself cry and feeling scared that so much sadness could come out of me in that way.
What I’m saying is, though it feels like a failure and a sadness, maybe that has to come out, just come out and be freed from within you until you can start to shine again.
Kia ora Ophelia,
Sending you a Soul Hug! Rave on and Kia kaha.
Aroha,
Robb
Cathy, WOW! Congratulations on finishing your book! i hope you pop open an extra special bottle of champagne for that one. I am so extremely excited for you! Will you be contacting an agent next?
Thanks so much for the words on Oya. I am so grateful, b/c it created this idea for me of a storyline for another book, and all of a sudden all sorts of characters and plot-lines came roaring into my head, just from your description of her.
I do need a change, and am not sure just how to proceed, so I’m examining (or trying to examine) many aspects of myself – the way I go about doing things, who I have in my life around me, where I feel I want to go next, what might be holding me back, what is driving me forward, how my personality might be hindering me and how to fix that, etc., etc…I know that there is such a thing as TOO much self-examination, but unfortunately it is in my nature, so I might as well try and sort it all out, and hope for the best!
Sure is a tricky thing to find the right open path.
Sweet Robin, I’m feeling less-than-adequate lately, but thank you so much for the lovely – and loving – words. Good to know that all this damn suffering will get me some greatness, in the end!
(Thanks, Gandhi)!
I have not done a book proposal, query letter, or any type of research on agents or publishers, b/c I’m not done with my book yet, and just assumed that it must be completed before anyone would look at it. VERY interesting to learn that I don’t necessarily have to have it finished in order to do a proposal. I will definitely check out that Michael Larsen book.
I don’t have a lot of public speaking experience, but I’m very used to being in front of an audience (if that means anything), so I’m assuming it won’t be too TERRIBLY difficult for me – although it’s probably vastly different when one has a script to lean on, or lyrics that one has rehearsed.
I am so grateful for you and your generous heart. You always, always remind me that I’m not alone here on this earth, that I have a sister-of-the-mind who knows me very well. Who KNOWS me.
I love you so much, Robin…
xoxoxo
Rowena, thanks so much for reminding me about the waves. I do need to remember that, even in the moments of stillness, there is wisdom and movement.
I find it difficult, lately, because I seem to WANT to move forward, but external things just keep pressing me down. Circumstances occur, which force me to back-track and re-think, and it seems as if relationships are getting muddled up, and my work-life is insignificant, and, and, and… It’s been a long time of beating my head against the wall.
But, the only thing to do is to just keep going. Despite all the negativity and discouragement. Hopefully there’s a good crest to catch, in the end.
thank you for the congratulations! onto draft 2. then i have several readers lined up and along with them come a few possible publishing ins. after the pre-reader step, i will seek an agent after further tweeks.
i was blocked. i asked oya for change. i completed my divorce, found meaningful work, my life partner and husband, moved to virginia, which was never even a blink on the horizon, had a baby at a later life stage and finished my first novel all within a few years.
i love that my telling you of her inspired you with a story!
Vicky, you are wonderful. I am SO incredibly glad we’ve re-connected, and also find you amazingly beautiful and fascinating and rich in life and creativity. Its SO funny that you write this comment, because just from reading you online, it’s made me so sad that we don’t live closer to one another, because I think we’d be such great friends. I’d love to just be able to get together for a cup of tea, or glass of wine, or dinner, or whatever.
I’m so sorry that you’ve been feeling lonely and disconnected. I often wonder if everyone feels this disconnectedness, and I’m sure that we all do. But often it feels as if you are the only one to feel this way, that you are on your own with your unique experience. Then you talk about it with other people, and come to find out that EVERYONE feels as if they are an outsider sometimes, EVERYONE is lonely, afraid, isolated, misunderstood. So if EVERYONE feels this way, then we are all not so alone, really. We are all connected by the very virtue of our being human on this planet, with all our human feelings and disappointments, and our loves and regrets.
I was listening to Bach’s “Jesu, Joy of Man’s Desiring” today, and began to focus in on how extremely circular in movement it is, and it made me think of we humans here on earth, and how we are all together and connected, and that our relationships to each other, and to the earth, just go around and around and around for eternity. It was so incredible for me to just listen, and to realize that this whole planet on which we live is just buzzing in an interrelated circle, and that we people are attached and affect one another intrinsically.
ANYWAY…maybe this is a good subject for a post! Maybe it’ll be my next one.
I love your game idea – how should we do it?
I hope you come out of your lonely feelings, and realize that you are cared for and admired. I admire you so much.
xo
D’Arcy, I wish I had been there for you, when you were on that floor. December was like that for me, too – in many, many ways. So we would, most likely, have been crying together.
i agree – just allowing the thought in – that the sadness and upheaval can actually produce something beautiful and alive – is enough for me to keep going through all this. It’s hard to keep a handle on it when you’re IN it, though, but I think once you get a perspective, it helps a lot to remember the value of the sad times. In fact, in the suffering is joy – and in the joy there can be suffering – and that’s just what makes the world go ’round.
Trying to get to a place of peace, to achieve the state of watching the emotions flow by like water, takes an enormous amount of practice. It’s the thought of everything being impermanent and naturally changing that makes me hopeful and glad – also, sad and wistful. But that’s just the way of life, too. The sadness and the joy are so often mixed all up in one another.
xo
Robb, I’m giving you a soul hug in return.
Much, much love to you. Aroha! xo
Wow, you don’t check in for one day and so much happens!
Feelings are mutual and I send all sorts of ‘right back at ya’ quips!
You know…over the years there are two situations that involve you that I hold close to my heart.
The first:
Someone and I (I think, Eric Eisenberg) drove you home from school. I so clearly remember walking into your house and your father looking (to me) exactly like a German Christmas gnome. There were all sorts of dried flowers and herbs hanging from the kitchen? ceiling and I remember mason jars of herbs stacked on a shelf. Your mom comes over and tells you that you look pale and says that you need some tea. She walks over to the mason jars and starts picking out jars of stuff that she is going to make into a tea for you.
That’s it….I think that we unloaded the car with your stuff and we left.
It was such contrast to my life, my house that it always stuck with me. I grew up in the wealthy, yuppy, pink wide-whale corduroy world and for all I knew you mom was giving you ‘eye of newt’ to make you feel better. We had Cheez Whiz and Vick’s Vapor Rub.
As an adult and I grew into myself I would think back on your kitchen and how wonderful it must have been to grow up in that room. I now have my mason jars of herbs and teas that I shove into my kids when I think that they look pale. We have Cabot Vt. Cheddar and homeopathic remedies.
Second:
I had graduated and left Henniker and was back visiting for some reason. I went down to the pub and you were there sitting and having a drink. We were with a group of people and we’re talking and having a good time. Then it dawns on me…that you were different, something had changed about you. You were no longer ‘the little Mary’ that I new a year ago. You were more confident, giving opinions, holding your own. I said something to you about it and you replied that, ‘Yeah, you knew and you had decided to stop hiding behind being cute and you felt a difference in yourself too.”.
As I came into myself (late bloomer) in my mid-twenties I often thought back upon that night and you being so confident and comfortable in your own skin. I was brought up to believe that as women we had only our looks to rely on and I hid behind my dimples for way too many years. That night inspired me.
I wanted to share those with you….for what’s it’s worth.
Now…for the game. There’s some ‘where I’m coming from’ stuff to tell you but that’s going to have to wait for later (tonight or tomorrow morning) because I really do need to get some stuff done this morning.
Am so glad that we have found each other…now…at this time and place in our lives.
Mary, I can feel your pain and frustration through the page. There is so much about you I still hope to learn and know. Don’t give up on yourself; there are many of us out here who believe in you more than you know.
Cathy, I’ve fallen in love with Oya. She has become my muse right now, and I thank you for that. Inspiration is everywhere!
Good luck with draft 2. I hope to be there, soon enough. Much love to you, friend. xo
Vicky, HA! You’ve pegged that kitchen perfectly. My Mom’s kitchen is STILL like that. She is very much into the herbal remedies and different kinds of tea, and still has mason jars of various things on her shelves. I’m not sure about the eye of newt, but she definitely has a lot of pasta and rice. (And no Cheez Whiz).
Yes. My parents had a bit of the “hippy” in them. (VW micro-bus, herbs, recycling before it was “in,” organic/natural foods, maxi skirts for my Mom, Marx-beard on my Dad, etc…(Gee. The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree, eh)?
SO funny, these memories you have. I’ll always remember your incredible spirit and your beautiful dimples. And loving your cool style – you were always SO cool. And hip. I think I was more like a puppy at your heels. Not so very cool, but wanting to be, oh-so-much.
Funny that you thought me confident, in my early 20′s. I must have hidden it well! Perhaps it was a moment of growth and realization for me, but honestly I still don’t feel confident, much.
But I will admit that aging brings a certain amount of self-knowledge, and to that end, a person doesn’t want to “settle” as much as before. I’m finding myself more unwilling to spend my time doing things, or being with people, that don’t really speak to me in a deep way. If I’m not getting a certain amount of depth or profundity out of an experience, I’ll move along. Perhaps this is a sort of a confidence.
Can’t wait for our game! Love to you…
xoxo
Katrina, that means so much. Thanks for always offering an ear to me – I might take you up on it, someday!
I always feel sort of uncomfortable talking about my problems/issues in person, which is probably why I vent here so much. It’s so much easier to write it all down for me, rather than to say it out loud. I guess I just don’t want to appear as if I’m complaining or self-obsessing too much…but here I do it all the time! (Sorry, readers…)
Everything will even out. It’ll just take some time. And then, it will be difficult again. Ahhh, life.
backatcha, mary
glad oya is a good muse for you!
Ok…the game background, where I’m coming from and other ramblings by Victoria Terra:
For many years I have been interested in manifestation, law of attraction stuff, and deliberate creation. I follow and practice the teachings of a group of entities that call themselves Abraham and they channel through a woman named Esther Hicks.
As an aside….before we moved here I found out about a group of individuals that meet at the local library once a week and study Abraham. Michael, my husband, and I meet with them once a week. We read and talk about stuff and try to put what we are learning into daily practice. Anywho….
I believe that we are the creators of our realities and that creation is manifested through our thoughts. What we think is what is reflected back into our lives (law of attraction). What I love about Abraham is that they talk about spirit and our connection to that part of ourselves. I believe that I am spirit having a journey in a human body.
Now, the physical guide (the part of ourselves that is our compass) is our emotions. When we are connected to spirit (or source energy) we feel positive emotions (like happiness, enthusiasm, joy) and when we are not connected we feel less positive emotions (like frustration, fear, anger). When one is working on attracting and manifesting they have their guidance system of emotions to let them know how they are doing.
Now…you ask for something (ask the universe, god, goddess, whatever it is that you believe in). I call it ‘Manager’. So I tell my Manager that I want a new car. Let’s say I want a Toyota Hybrid Prius and that is what I ask my Manager for. Now after I ask it is my job to allow myself to have it. It is my task to align my vibration with the vibration of allowing myself to have that car. Tricky.
This is where our emotional compass comes into play. Positive emotions align and connect us to our source energy and the creating of our wants. Not so positive emotions create a block and we then cannot align or connect to our source energy and therefore can’t create what we are wanting.
Now…there is a game that Abraham suggests we play where we write down the things that are frustrating us, things that are making us unhappy and we re-write them in a way that makes us feel better. That raises our vibration.
In a nutshell:
If you take the statements of dis-satisfaction and you re-write them in a way that makes you feel better (gives you hope for instance) then you will feel better and by feeling better you raise your vibration (energy) to be more of a match to your source energy and then you can attain what you are wanting.
It’s all there for the taking really. We can have whatever it is that we want. It’s just that we keep getting in our own way. Hah!
So, what do you think. Want to post some statements that we (your friends) can help you turn around into more positive things and make you feel better?
Vicky, this is all incredibly interesting, and there is a lot of serendipity going on around here, in all sorts of ways. I’ll fill you in by commenting on your post…
xo